I guess it is only natural at the beginning of a year to take a 'step back' and re-evaluate - what am I doing, what have a become and mostly am I still striving to live a life growing in God..
Perhaps this self evaluation is more regular and of the ordinary for some of us than just the New Year.
Sometimes I think that it is difficult to always identify growth- have I changed at all since last year, have I matured in my faith or have I simply just moved from one port of call to another. At times it is so easy to feel like maybe I am just going backwards, how do things still feel so translucent at times, maybe thats even a generous description at times. I have indeed been challenged greatly in identity as we all so often are, a steep learning curve has been the acknowledgment that occupation and community do not define such. To always be drawn to the Truth of the Gospel to be my numero uno - however , my fallen spiritual DNA loves fear.
A cycle that I never voluntarily choose to jump into can sweep me off my feet and throw a tremendous curve ball, it attacks me in many ways and clouds many a judgement. It often feels like I am doing doughnuts !
Yet my God is committed and Faithful and has promised so much to me, He tells me time and time again, more than anything else to NOT FEAR ! When I feel so disheartened at times of how I can see my failings, ( how shameful and dirty I can feel, how irritated and frustrated with my inability to have 'moved on' from such school boy errors ) - I am similarly challenged by the possibility of missing the Glory of the Gospel ! - While I was a sinner He accepted me, His PERFECT Love ..
What I am really wanting to build upon that I know shall protect me from my vice - Trust . I am such a sucker for a definition, even a basic dictionary explanation of a term - I have always been this way. I think it helps with my processing, just seeing it in black and white , either that or some teacher thought it a good idea at some point and I must have just clung to it.
Trust : Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
I feel that many things in life can make me panic or distract me from my main goals, then suddenly SMACK - but where is your Trust. I am challenged at how easily my trust seems to dwindle at times, some cases it takes a lot longer to feel the smack ! Amazing also to think that my trust does not lie in the ability of 'someone or something' but in the Creator of the Earth, a Sovereign King , My Father !
I know for a fact that it is not about what happens, but how we respond..
Its like such a total assurance to know that no matter what the waters or the fire (Isaiah 43) are to be in my life that I am safe and secure. That this Trust that I can rely upon is not of my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5)
I admit I pray a ton to be able to Trust God more, to not have those times where the fear creeps in , when I feel overwhelmed, when peoples opinions and judgments floor me , when I am lost and uncertain. To be honest I am learning that I can use moments that feel uneasy as such a blessing and a privilege to be able to take the time as an opportunity to Trust. To let God do what I have been asking Him for - to equip me and strengthen me in my Trust in Him. To not want to control , to keep my eyes and vision securely on Him. I am learning that this response is wrapped up in the Peace that I have, that this peace shouldn't go away- even when I do respond in the wrong ways. The beauty of Gods Grace and great mercy thankfully enables me to never be far or rejected but to remain on the path of further revelation into His amazing character and to delve deeper into the understandings of all His promises to me.
Yea this year I probably will fear. I probably will mess up and yea I probably will feel like I am digressing at times. However I humbly place my life in the Potters hands, knowing that He will continue to mold me, that I should remember more readily His love (despite my actions) and that only through His power will I grow. I want to persevere in learning more, to learn more of Gods peace which will come hand in hand as I trust, to really grasp my biggest weapon of peace through prayer.
God is so much bigger than anything that I can ever imagine, He is eternal and will not cease to amaze me if I actively seek a personal relationship with Him. At times I really do panic, worry, fail to sleep and perhaps enjoy experiences- yet I realise : He's got this, He is in control , Who and what am I fearing, all you have to do is let Him- Easy right?!. To remember that no matter what twists and obstacles there seems to be that I should always have patience, to know that I know all that I need to know right now , to remember that the fight is WON ! That I don't have to figure things out but rest in unfailing love, unfailing love
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,
As the heavens are higher than the Earth,
so are my ways higher that your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9
