For some unknown reason I mustered up some courage, took some brave pills and ventured solo to a local Presbyterian Church to see if I could help out/ find out some more about the outreach they were doing with homeless families. The programme involves the families staying at the church for a week with the provision of being cared for, fed and having shelter and primarily to feel love. I didn’t really know what to anticipate or what to expect and didn’t even know any other volunteers never mind families, I remember thinking as I arrived what am I doing here but I felt prompted in my thinking of ah you’re here now so just go for it! Yikes! I did not expect to experience what I did.
Stats: J – Middle aged woman probably around 50, possible mental health issues. Two children, boy aged 17 and daughter of 8- met the daughter. Told me about her life- comes from a place she kept referring to as ‘the island’ ‘the island’ – later it became apparent she was referring to an Island between Australia and the Philippines. My geographical skills let me down as usual; thankfully J was able to point out her island to me as we passed a world map in the corridor.
J was open and honest about her life, she told me many things that had made her journey difficult and many struggles they have as a family. My introduction with J was a somewhat unique experience as she never actually introduced herself but casually chipped in with contributing remarks to a conversation I was having with another volunteer. In my mind I had thought that J was part of one of the families taking part in the programme, I am left reeling in hindsight as I realise how arrogant this approach, even if somewhat justifiable, as I discovered she was not. J began to unfold her life story to me as we stood in the doorway of the room were the children were being entertained with arts and crafts. Although her son, Gideon, was not present she introduced him to me and told me of how he was a 17 year old and that she was always worried and concerned about him, talking to him was difficult. J expressed that kids don’t want or appreciate their mother’s advice that he didn’t want to listen to her – I tried to assure her in a light hearted manner that his behaviour was totally typical and normal of any teenager of that age and she should get in contact with my mum! The transferal from a worried face to a laughing and more relaxed composure was great to witness and there seemed to be a sense of ease. J addressed her concern for how her son was lacking interest in returning to church, despair with ‘what has happened with him,’ remarks and that she wanted people to pray for him and asked another guy present to encourage him- she acknowledged to me that just sometimes guy to guy can do some good.
Our conversation developed further and was brought back to the presence of the room as next J brought to my attention her daughter, who was interacting with the other children and painting pictures at the table nearby. The move which brought J and her family back to Cleveland was motivated by the need of health care for her 8 year old joyful daughter, she expressed to me ‘she’s sick.’ A few moments past in which I was frantically debating with myself what do I say, how should I respond, should I inquire or hold back and see as previously J had been very much in control of the conversation. I waited, cowardly perhaps. Not long passed however, although it has potential to have seemed longer in my own mind, when J expressed ‘its cancer, it’s in her blood,’ in a low whispering voice , which was clearly a lot louder than what was probably intended. At this point I realised that her daughter who was not too far from earshot was probably able to hear and perhaps not that unused to such. There is better medication and facilities here I was told and that the doctors now have the illness under control with an injection that is needed once a month, I was not told much more in terms of the severity. The needs that the family required were becoming more clear, J spoke of how she needed to work but if she did she feared the removal of her government help but that she did need more money as sometimes if her daughter is sick she needs to buy medicine over the counter which can be expensive. The weight and worry on this woman’s shoulders was being magnified to me and I really felt my heart feel the pain of her journey.
I asked at this point if J had any family, in my mind I thought there must be some help and support network or another reason to have made the trip back to Cleveland. Her mother was all she mentioned, but that she had mental health problems and that it was another person who she was responsible for looking after. Never once did I feel that she was bitter. The conversation also drew light on the fact that the father of her daughter had been killed in Iraq, again she did not go into details. She was aware by my responses how unfathomable I was finding all the information she was sharing and remarked that her life has just continued to spiral downwards whilst making the action with her hand. J then expressed that the one thing that she had never lost though was her faith. Wow, that’s it right there, if anything had potential to convict after such heart wrenching stories it was that bold statement. She assured me that she held to her faith and that she was carrying her cross. I assured her, as I attempted to fight my fear of speaking and selfishly wanting to remain in the comfortable ‘I’m listening zone’ that I would be praying for her and her family and that God has never and will never leave her that He will give her His strength, in my mind I was sure that these words would seem to fall so short. J turned to me with sincerity in her eyes and said yea I know you are right, thank you. I was sure my stumbling was insufficient but I knew in that moment that she knew; that she was someone of was tangibly and actively depending on Him, how humbling.
With bedtime for school tomorrow just around the corner mother and daughter prepared to leave, before leaving J asked me if I wanted to come and see their bikes, the method of transport for their short trip home. I agreed and we began the walk to the other end of the building, her daughter who I had no previous interaction with joyfully led me through the corridors. She told me to close my eyes and that she would guide me, she asked firstly though if I trusted her, in my demonstration I closed my eyes and she took my hand. As we walked she would ask “do you know where you are going?” “Do you still trust me?” I answered appropriately with the intention to spur her on in her quest, reassuring her that she was responsible. We made it to the place where the bikes were located, both as proud to show me their bikes, “that’s mom’s, this is mine”, J began to wheel her daughters bike up the exiting ramp. I was left in simple conversation with her daughter, asking me about my country, the language I spoke ( I don’t know why people seem to doubt my ability of speaking English here) – I was able to explain to her that I was from an island far away also. In the next moment she turned to me and her big brown eyes looking into mine and said “You know I’ve got your back,” I gave a gentle chuckle and expressed my thanks. She reaffirmed her statement and followed again with, “no really, I have your back. No matter where you go I have it,” my mind started racing as I looked at her again, her innocent childlike mannerisms, I’m sure she wondered why I probably displayed a baffled expression. Then she said “Even though I leave you now I have got your back, I promise,” wow, I couldn’t help but think this was something more. J returned and we exchanged our goodbyes, I said I hopefully would see her again and maybe on Sunday, she expressed how great it was to meet me and chat. As I watched the two make their way up the ramp I got reminded again “Remember I’ve got your back” by the gentle call back of the 8 year old, I smiled and waved them off.
As I made my way back to the other end of the church and began my journey home, I couldn’t help but to further think through that evening and the experience of meeting J. My heart was touched by her story, by her struggles and how she was wrestling with the things that life seemed to be throwing at her. I was struck at how much she was depending on God and realised that although outwardly and perhaps battling some mental issues, J was displaying an admiring maturing walk of faith as there was no doubt of how much she needed God and that she was aware of this. I felt humbled and thankful to have met such a woman, who had unintentionally encouraged me to hold firm to what I believed that nothing should waver my faith even in the times when it seems so hard. I thought of the verses in Habakkuk 3:17-19:
Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
GOD, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer’s;
he makes me tread on my high places.
I realise we all interpret things in different ways and I guess I am someone who is a ‘thinker’, perceptive and strives to take in as many experiences as possible, although note able that this does not always happen. My experience with J’s daughter in hindsight felt so sur-real, that he constant eye contact in her assurance drew my attention to God. That He always says to me I will not leave you, even though I am unsure of what I am doing, where I am right now and the purpose to unfold, that I know He more than ‘has my back.’ I felt reminded that although I don’t always see God I know that He walks with me and that He is there, no matter where I go He is with me. I am blown away at how the innocence and joy of the young girl clearly demonstrated to me a child-like faith, a faith confident in the promises God so clearly gives us. That as we walk living with the Spirit in us – how awesome- we are to hold his hand, not to let go as we are not designed to do this without Him. The reminder of the friendship extended revived my acknowledgement of how we are to live together in community, united in Him , that He places us in a ‘pack’ where we are to encourage each other in the everything is going great days to the ah I don’t know what is happening moments, days, weeks. Despite the culture and the fast movement of the world telling us constantly that maturity is to become independent- something which I am really trying to grasp and wrestle with in a new environment, surroundings and people – this indoctrinated view does not hold water to the undeniable power of the Gospel. Living in a relationship with Christ and knowing that we are His is totally the opposite process, against the grain of society; maturity as a Christian is surely to recognise the need to grow into dependence. To be made further aware of our total need of Him, that we should not be self-sustaining, but that we are weak and need to be empowered by Him and His spirit.
I feel so blessed and appreciative to God for this humbling experience and the joy to meet J, I think of her often bringing her family to Him in prayer. In my nature I long to do more, I want to be a ‘fixer’ but I am learning that many great people encourage me and cross my paths daily from housemates to friends, to family to friends of friends to the general public, and that they all leave lasting impacts and that it is my responsibility to understand the true gift of relationships and the joy of being involved in people’s lives and especially how unfathomably special it is when people feel they can open up and reveal more of their lives to you. I never want to take this for granted or to never realise how undeniably unique and special each experience is, even if it is a hard or negative one at the time. I know God brings people into our lives and I think we should all be more aware of this and not let things slip by us or be passive in our experiences. I am evermore blown away as I travel and spend time in another country of how much I have been beautifully blessed by the many encounters I am having with people. It is all about people, others- serving and giving time. I am sold out on the heart issue of loving people and tangibly displaying this in daily life, although I know I fall so short-how much I need the Holy Spirit to equip me and show me how. I want to see people as God does and to let Him break my heart.
